Vash's Happy Home for Evil Rehabilitation
by Kimura
Summary: After working with his brother, Vash gets an idea to start a rehab clinic for anime villains. He decides to give Wolfwood a tour. Appearances by villains from various series, Chichiri the Psychiatrist, and the Puppy.
1. Default Chapter

_A/N: This is a crossover fic, featuring characters from Trigun, Fushigi Yuugi, Yami no Matsuei, X/1999, Teen Titans, Chrno Crusade, and Get Backers. It is centered in the Trigun universe. Some of the appearances are very small, so don't be alarmed! Featuring appearances by Chichiri the Psychiatrist (read Breaking Point for more info) and The Puppy (invented by Kouri Arashi and Karasu Yurei, used with permission.)_

_I got the idea for this from all those "fix Knives" fics out there. No offense; I started one myself at one point._

_Vash's Happy Home for Evil Rehabilitation_

Vash the Stampede and Nicholas D. Wolfwood drove through the desert in a black jeep.

"Okay, needle noggin', what the hell is the big secret? I'm not waiting 'til we get there to find out."

Vash rolled his eyes. "Little impatient, aren't we?"

Wolfwood began to reach for his luggage.

"Okay, okay. No shooting the driver! I want to show you this little place I run. You know how you have your orphanage to help kids?"

The priest nodded.

"Well, I started a rehab clinic to help people."

Nicholas blinked. "Rehab?"

Vash nodded ahead as a large wooden structure came into view.

Wolfwood whistled. "That must have cost a pretty penny. Almost as much as the old bounty on your head."

Vash grinned.

"So, what kind of rehab center? Drugs? Alcohol?"

"Evil."

"What?"

"Well, working with my brother gave me an idea."

Wolfwood stared in horror at the brightly painted sign outside the main gate.

"Vash's Happy Home for Evil Rehabilitation?" the priest read in horror.

"Yup," Vash said proudly, pulling into the driveway and parking out front.

"Dare I ask who you have helping run this place?" Wolfwood said warily as he climbed out of the jeep.

"Why, Mr. Priest! What a peasant surprise!" Milly chirped, opening the huge wooden doors.

"I should've known," Nicholas muttered. Meryl was standing behind the main desk. Vash got a status report from her as Wolfwood exchanged pleasantries with Milly.

"So, want the grand tour?" Vash asked, grinning again.

Wolfwood groaned. "I guess so, since we drove all the way out here." As they walked down the hallway, a thought occurred to the priest. "So, how is your brother anyway?"

Vash sighed. "Well, he's not progressing as well as I'd like. We're trying a variety of therapies with him. In fact, his room is right in here. I think he's resting."

Nicholas started to say that maybe they shouldn't disturb the plant when Vash went ahead and swung the door open.

Knives was floating upside down in his usual tank. However, there were several rubber duckies swimming on the surface of the water.

Wolfwood's eyes nearly fell out of his head.

"Well, we can't exactly stick a fluffy teddy bear in there with him," Vash explained. "So, we thought the ducks would be an appropriate substitute. He seems to sleep better with them."

Nicholas reached out and slammed the door shut. "Okay. Next patient."

Vash raised an eyebrow at his friend's unease and continued down the hall. A man in a blue cape and blue hair came out of a room further down the corridor.

"Chichiri! Perfect timing!" Vash exclaimed, dragging Wolfwood along to meet the stranger. "Chichiri, this is Nicholas D. Wolfwood. Wolfwood, this is Chichiri, one of our psychiatrists."

Nicholas's eyes nearly fell out of his head. "_He's_ a _therapist_?!"

Chichiri looked slightly affronted.

"He's great with the patients," Vash explained. "He's had a lot of counseling experience."

"This must be your priest friend no da," Chichiri said. "I've heard a lot about you."

"No . . . da?"

"Maybe we can get together and talk some time no da. But right now, I have to get to a private session. Maybe later no da."

Wolfwood was still sputtering.

"Oh, Chichiri, Meryl told me that your three o'clock just opened up," Vash said.

"Great no da! I can talk to Nicholas then!"

"Wait! But I—"Wolfwood interjected.

"Oh, and don't forget to stop by the group session today no da."

"NEEDLE NOGGIN! I DON'T NEED THERAPY!"

Vash grinned. "I never said you did."

"Right. See you at three no da." The monk disappeared with a poof.

"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PLACE ARE YOU RUNNING, NEEDLE NOGGIN?!"

--------

"What's going on in there, or do I not want to know?" Wolfwood asked as they passed a room labeled "Animal Therapy."

Vash grinned. "You'll like this. Really." He opened the door.

Small puppies were romping around the room eagerly.

Nicholas looked around at the five patients playing with the puppies. "That girl in the jeans doesn't look evil."

"That's a guy," Vash amended. "Hisoka's not really evil. But he was so angsty that we figured this might help."

A tall man with blond hair approached them, followed by a fully-grown golden retriever.

"Wolfwood, this is Nakago," Vash explained as the two shook hands. "He used to be really evil until Chichiri introduced him to puppy therapy."

"It cured me completely," Nakago asserted, patting the handsome dog's head. "This is Killer."

Wolfwood raised an eyebrow. "Such a lovely name."

"Oh, he'd never hurt a fly without my command."

"Somehow, that's not very comforting," Wolfwood muttered.

"Anyway, I wanted to share the benefits of puppy therapy with others. So, when I heard about this place Vash started, I wanted to be a part of it."

Wolfwood decided this was less alarming than the rubber duckies or the blue-haired psychiatrist. As he looked more closely at the patients, he recognized one. "Dominique?!"

Dominique "the Cyclops" was sitting on the floor, wearing a sedate sundress, playing with a rambunctious Husky. She smiled and waved at the priest. "Hi Nicholas!" She pulled the blue-eyed puppy into a short-lived hug. "Isn't she precious?"

"Luke, don't eat that," Nakago chided, picking up a beagle puppy that had been licking at Tomo's makeup. "Tomo, please wash your makeup off. We don't want to make the puppies sick."

"Hai, Nakago-sama!" Tomo agreed readily. He disappeared into the bathroom.

A man in a black t-shirt and jeans playfully romped around with a tiny terrier puppy, oblivious to everyone.

"I see Fuuma's making excellent progress," Vash remarked. He turned back to Nicholas. "Now, he was truly evil. Was going to destroy the whole world. Even killed his sister. But you can hardly tell to look at him now."

"I have to admit, that's impressive," Wolfwood said uneasily.

An adolescent golden retriever approached Killer slowly, sniffing at him.

"Nakago, I think Maleficent likes Killer," a tall woman with long red hair said shyly.

"Who names these dogs?!" Nicholas cried.

"Soi, I think Maleficent is a little young for Killer," Nakago told her gently. "Why don't you take her for a walk?"

Soi brightened at this idea and got a leash for Maleficent.

"Pretty lady," Wolfwood remarked, raising an eyebrow at Nakago.

"Yes she is," he agreed.

"So, shall we move on, Wolfwood?" Vash asked.

As they left the puppy room, music came drifting down the hall.

"Do I want to know?" Wolfwood asked.

Vash grinned. "Silly question. Of course you do." He dragged Wolfwood down an adjoining hallway.

The priest stopped as he heard a familiar saxophone. "Midvalley."

Vash smiled and pulled him along. "Don't worry. He's nearly cured. He won't try anything. Music therapy has been really good for him."

Vash opened the door, revealing a large rehearsal room. Midvalley was wailing away on his sax, playing a jazz tune. He was accompanied by a blond teenager on the drums. The duo sounded good together.

"Vash-san!" another young man cried, coming up to them.

Wolfwood blinked. He was a carbon copy of the kid on the drums.

"Amiboshi, I'd like you to meet my friend Wolfwood. Wolfwood, this is Amiboshi, our music director."

"Nice to meet you. And yes, that's my twin brother on the drums. Suboshi."

"They sound good," Nicholas commented.

"How is your brother doing?" Vash asked.

Amiboshi grinned. "Great. He channels his aggression into his music." He stopped, frowning slightly. "Though he says he wants to learn guitar next so he can serenade Yui-sama."

"Can he sing?" Wolfwood asked.

"Oh yes," Vash answered. "Both the twins have great voices."

Amiboshi blushed.

Abruptly, the music stopped.

"What wrong, Midvalley?" Suboshi asked.

"Amiboshi . . . I don't want to play the sax anymore," Midvalley answered, removing the neck strap. "I never wanted to play the sax. My parents forced me into it!"

Amiboshi slowly approached the Gung-Ho Gun. "Is there another instrument you'd enjoy playing more?"

Midvalley blushed.

Amiboshi put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't be embarrassed."

"The bagpipes."

Wolfwood literally had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing.

Amiboshi smiled and went to the back room. He returned with the desired instrument. "Do you know how to play?"

Midvalley nodded enthusiastically. "I played in secret, whenever I could."

Nicholas thought he would have to cover his ears, but Midvalley was fairly skilled with the bizarre instrument.

He launched straight into "Scotland the Brave."

"Uh, Aniki?" Suboshi asked. "What do I do?"

"Just play the snare and give him a military beat."

"Oh. Right!"

When they reached the end of the song, Vash, Wolfwood, and Amiboshi burst into applause.

"You guys sound great!" Vash cried.

"All right, guys. We'll practice some more tomorrow. The quartet will be in any minute," Amiboshi said.

As if on cue, (WHO AM I KIDDING?) four men entered the music room.

Wolfwood stared hard at one of them – a tall, heavily muscled man. "Monev?!"

Monev grinned and waved as Amiboshi started running the men through some vocal warm-ups.

"This is our barbershop quartet. Monev is the second tenor. That guy in the strange mask is Slade, our first tenor. I'm hoping that one day, we'll see behind the mask. But for now . . ."

"Those other two look like they might be related."

Vash snorted. "Thankfully, no. With the combined megalomania and insanity between them, it's a good thing Muraki and Tenkou have never worked together."

"And these guys were all evil?"

"Yup."

"So, you put them in a barbershop quartet."

"Uh huh."

"Vash, you're the looniest one of all!"

"Hey, it worked in The Music Man!"

With Amiboshi on piano, the group broke into a peppy tune. Wolfwood's eyes widened with each note.

"Crazy 'bout ya baby. Want ya all to myself. Crazy 'bout ya baby. No one else on the shelf. Give me all your loving, all that you can afford. Let me keep ya always, ever to be adored."

As they began adding dance moves, Nicholas all but threw himself and Vash out the door.

Vash merely raised an eyebrow. "You really need to learn to relax."

---------

_To be continued . . ._


	2. 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun, Fushigi Yuugi, Teen Titans, Yami no Matsuei, Get Backers, Chrno Crusade, or X/1999.** **This is all just for entertainment. **

As Vash and Wolfwood continued their tour, they passed a door with a gold cross on it.

Vash stopped. "I think you'll find this interesting."

"Now I'm worried."

There were some very loud noises behind the door. After a few minutes, the door opened.

A young nun with blond hair stepped out. "The exorcisms were a completely success, Vash-san."

Vash grinned. "Great, Rosette. Bring them out."

A shy blond boy stepped out from behind Rosette's skirt.

"Zazie?!" Wolfwood cried.

"He should be completely cured now," Vash explained. "The demon inside him is gone."

"Vash-san, I must thank you for curing me," a midget in green robes said, coming out from behind Rosette. "The demon that possessed me is gone. I can return to my normal duties as a monk."

Vash smiled. "You're welcome, Miboshi."

Nicholas tried to process everything he was seeing. "A midget who's a monk . . . a gorgeous girl who's a nun . . . and . . ."

The last man to emerge had long purple hair and pointed ears.

"Wolfwood, I'd like you to meet Chrno," Vash said.

The priest took in the man's other-worldly appearance. "You know what, just don't tell me."

----------

"Hey, are you hungry?" Vash asked.

"Yeah, actually," Wolfwood admitted.

Vash led the priest upstairs to the cafeteria. "The chefs can probably whip us up something."

As they entered the room, delicious smells wafted through the air.

Wolfwood did a double take as he spotted the two "chefs." One was a giant wolf-man-thing, covered in fur. The other was . . . was . . .

"LEGATO?!"

Legato looked up and waved cheerfully at Wolfwood. He was wearing a pink frilly apron. The wolf-man had on the same outfit. Nicholas felt his appetite abruptly disappear.

"Hey, guys," Vash said cheerfully, as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on. "Any chance of us getting a snack?"

"Of course," Legato answered. "Ashitare, please pour some coffee for our guests."

Ashitare nodded enthusiastically and ran to the coffeepot.

"We brew it ourselves," Legato explained, as he put the finishing touches on a spectacular chocolate cake.

Vash pulled Wolfwood over to a table and sat down.

"Needle noggin', you've got to be kidding me! Food therapy?! They'll probably try to poison us!"

"We encourage the patients to channel their negative energy into something positive. Ashitare and Legato both showed an affinity for cooking. It's been wonderful therapy for them. And as a bonus, they're both great at it."

Ashitare carried a silver tray to the table.

Wolfwood had to admit, his appetite immediately began to return at the smell of the coffee and the sight of all of the fixings: hot milk, sugar, and brown sugar.

Legato followed with two china plates, each with a slice of the cake he had just finished.

"Enjoy," he said softly as he and Ashitare returned to the kitchen.

Wolfwood waited until Vash had devoured half his cake before he decided it was safe to eat.

His eyes widened. "This is amazing."

"They're great, aren't they?" Vash said with his mouth full.

"Vash, how the hell do all these crazy ideas of yours work?"

Vash just grinned and shrugged. "Just lucky, I guess."

(COUGH COUGH COUGH.)

"So, Legato doesn't use his psychic powers anymore?" Wolfwood asked between mouthfuls of chocolate.

"Well, he tried to at first. Chichiri, Nakago, and I were the only ones who could work around him unaffected."

The priest's eyes widened. "Wow. Those two must be pretty strong to resist that."

Vash nodded. "They're highly psychically skilled."

Out of the corner of his eye, Nicholas saw Legato slicing another piece of cake. "Needle noggin', I think I'm startin' to like this place."

------------

"Okay, here's Chichiri's office," Vash said, looking at his watch. "I'll meet up with you in an hour. I have a group therapy session to attend."

"Did I say I liked this place? I don't need therapy!" Nicholas protested.

Vash grinned. "Did I say you did? Chichiri just wants to talk to you. He's a monk, you know. You could talk about religion."

Grumbling, Wolfwood went into the office.

Forty-five minutes later, the entire building heard, "NO! I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO THAT POINTY-HAIRED, DONUT-EATING IDIOT!"

Vash sweatdropped.

---------

Wolfwood looked surprisingly calm as he waited for Vash to come out of his group therapy. A group of girls filed out, some in tears. Vash and Soi came out after them.

"What group was that?" Wolfwood asked curiously.

"It's a therapy group for girls and fangirls in love with evil men," Vash explained. "I mean, we can't help all the evil men in the world. So, sometimes we try to help the people that can get hurt by them. These girls . . . they tend to fall in love with complete jerks, just because they're good-looking or cool. I'll never understand that." Vash sighed. "So, uh, how was—"

"Fine."

"Right. C'mon, last event of the day. Another group session. You can listen in. Then we'll have dinner."

---------

As Wolfwood watched the group assemble, he recognized people he'd seen earlier in the day: Monev, Legato, Midvalley, Muraki, and Dominique. The last man to enter, a tall thin man in a black coat with a black hat, was the only one he didn't recognize. Although he was smiling, Nicholas could sense there was something not quite right about that man.

Chichiri looked around. "Shall we begin no da?"

No one answered him.

"Akabane-san, I believe it's your turn no da. Do you have anything you'd like to say?"

"Yes. I believe I am here by mistake. After all, I never attack anyone unprovoked."

"But you use unnecessary force," Vash responded. "And violence. You slaughter your enemies."

"How?!" Wolfwood couldn't help but ask.

Akabane's smile deepened as he created a scalpel, seemingly out of thin air.

The priest's eyes widened. "Where the hell are you hiding those things?"

"Don't ask," Vash told him.

"Akabane-san, why did you choose that particular weapon?" Chichiri asked, looking thoughtful. "Why not just plain knives?"

Dominique put her hands over her ears. "Do we have to talk about Knives?"

Chichiri ignored her. "There must be a reason no da, a reason you chose the scalpel."

Akabane, for the first time in his life, looked nervous. "I . . ." Now he was . . . stuttering?

"It's all right no da. No one here will laugh." It sounded distinctly like a threat to the other patients.

"Well, my brothers and I were very fond of playing the game Operation when we were young. But my brothers were so mean! They would bump my hand and make me lose on purpose! They never let me win! I practiced day and night keeping my hand steady so I could beat them, but they always cheated! They were so MEAN! Every time: buzz! Buzz! BUZZ! So, I got revenge!"

Nicholas was pretty sure he could taste blood as he bit his lip to keep from laughing. He could see Dominique covering a smile. Vash just had his typical blank look.

_So, maybe that's what Chichiri wears the mask for_, Wolfwood thought.

Akabane had turned chibi and was huddling on his chair, sniffling.

"That's very good that you've acknowledged that, Akabane-san. Okay, that's all for today minna. We'll continue tomorrow no da."

----------

"So, what do you think of the place?" Vash asked as he and Wolfwood headed back towards the exit.

"First of all, I think you're absolutely nuts," Nicholas answered. "Some of your 'therapies' are completely off the wall!" The priest took a deep breath before continuing. "But I guess you're doing some good work here, so I can't complain too much."

Vash grinned. "Want to stay for dinner?"

"Sure. And maybe afterwards . . . we can . . . talk?"

Vash smiled his real smile. "Absolutely, Nick."

(JUST A LITTLE BIT OF THE YAOI!)

_The end!_

_And thanks to my wonderful beta-reader Dave! There may be a sequel to this in the future. So, go ahead and make suggestions. I haven't seen everything, though! _


End file.
